Do you need help with something? Then you are in the right place. Please take a look at our post before calling for help and alerting everyone.

1: To emphasize how much the other person will enjoy the assistance process.

“You will love it! It will be so funny! “A friend of mine always expressed himself this way. “Any chance you could help me paint the living room? We both drink coffee and talk. Girl fuck on girl! Was someone who could say. Or you could easily hear a sentence from him: “Hi, whats up? I'm getting my car repaired, can you come and pick me up here? Besides, I haven't seen you for a long time. Thus, we can meet. "

In my opinion, these kinds of discourses constitute living proof of how strong a friendship is or what you can put up with in order to keep the friendship alive.

Please, but please don't try to get anyone to believe that their helping behavior will be rewarded absolutely and deservedly. You are right, helping others makes people happy, but reminding them of this fact will often leave their joy on their crops and make them reluctant to help. First of all, with such an attitude, you are likely to be perceived as a control freak person who disregards the other person's autonomy. Of course, you also exaggerate your inference! It's not up to you to tell people how to feel - let them decide for themselves when and how they feel.

If you can show it gracefully, it is not so wrong to point out the benefits of helping. But be careful not to over-address this issue and not confuse your selfish reasons for assistance with sacrifice, as this will make your manipulation attempt even more noticeable.

Related to this issue, a detailed research has been conducted on nearly 1000 people who did not donate from associations from which they received scholarships while they were students. Graduates received the offer to donate to the school via e-mail and the proposal was sent to each of them in three different versions: (1) selfish approach: “With comments that donation will make them feel good”; (2) altruistic (based on altruism): with the claim that “with your donation you will have a chance to make a slight difference in the lives of our students and staff” and (3) a combination of the two. Researchers have found that both selfish and altruistic demands are equally effective. What do you think happened when the two combined? It was seen that the donation rates fell by half.

2. Portraying the help you need as a small, insignificant kindness

Another common false tactic of seeking help is to portray the help we need as a minor favor, negligible, even as insignificant as its presence and absence. That's why you keep trying to cover up the inappropriateness of the situation: “Can you leave these contracts to the client's office? It's already on the way to the office. " Or you highlight how little time will be spent in returning this help. “Can you add these updates to the database? Believe me, it won't take more than five minutes. "

The point is that when we try to moderate our desires, it is not cute, but rather we seem to underestimate the help of the other person - which destroys all the warm feelings that will awaken in the other person with the help of his help. We also run the risk of miscalculating the extent of the well-being we would like, especially if the person we seek help with is doing a job that we do not know exactly what it is. For example, my editor once told me that one of his old friends sent him emails from time to time asking him to check his articles. His friend always said this request, "It is a smooth article anyway, just look it cursory and make some corrections. "Believe will not take your time". But what would my editor see if he trusts this and opens the file? The file is an academic article of 6000 words !. –And it means he's lucky. Because most of the time he encountered a whole novel waiting for him!

Don't get me wrong, just because you called for this kind of help doesn't mean you are selfish. This only shows that you have no idea about the person you are asking for help with and his efforts. With such a discourse, you will unwittingly convey to the other party that you think that his work is extremely easy and therefore can be handled with the speed of light. And it cannot be said that this is a very appropriate attitude to get help.

You probably spend your whole day working with people you don't have a clue about whatever their job descriptions - IT, HR, compliance, sales, or marketing. If you still don't understand exactly what the people around you are doing, remember this fact when seeking help next time and avoid making unnecessary assumptions about how much time you will take for the person in question.

3. Reminding people that they owe you money

"Do you remember when I took over a really demanding client?"

"Have you forgotten all the mornings I took care of your screaming child?"

“You always forgot to take the key to the house and I would have to come home and open the door to you every day. Did you remember?"

So why do we make such sentences?

Because asking for help makes us uncomfortable, we feel ashamed of ourselves, and it is tempting for the moment to remind our potential helper how we have helped them in the past. This is another strange attitude towards the seeking help process. Let's go back to our editor example. He wanted to say "no" the first moment he saw the book he was asked to review in his inbox. However, given all the reasons why saying "no" would be painful, he felt he couldn't do it.

So he wrote a reply to his friend and politely asked him to tell him that he had requested 40 hours of work on the text and that it would take quite some time and if there was any part that worries him.

However, in the reply he received, his friend reminded how he arranged his articles while he was a columnist. This method sounds reasonable, doesn't it? He had done a favor at the time, and they were old friends, and in return for all this he could do him one last favor.

As you can see, the principle of reciprocity increases the likelihood that people will say "yes" to your request for help, while on the other hand, it makes you feel pressured, which completely takes away the pleasure of helping. The reciprocity principle is most functional in situations where aid actions are nearly equal. So if we go from this example, it is not equivalent to arranging a few columns of 500 words and a historical analysis of 50,000 words. In addition, the two good deeds must be equivalent in time.

When calling for help, you should take care to address any of the specific types of responses that psychologists describe: personal, relational, or collective response. For example, my editor was happy to edit for his neighbor, who was also a carpenter, who wrote short-run “how-to” articles for magazines, because they had helped him with many different projects related to his home. This is an example of personal response; the barter situation here is very clear. He was also happy to edit articles on fly fishing (relational response) of his neighbor's wife - even though he didn't know him well. Moreover, he had no complaints about arranging the postgraduate application for his friend's cousin's boyfriend (collective response).

The principle of reciprocity is based on this: If you remind someone that they owe you something, they will most likely not feel like they owe you money. Reminding them that they owe you a favor makes the other person think that you are trying to control them - unfortunately, that is exactly what you are doing. Just like going out for pizza with a friend and being told that you would have to pay most of the bill just because you had two extra slices. If you hear something like that, wouldn't you think your friend is calculating everything you eat and drink as if you are holding a scoreboard? - Keeping a scoreboard is such bad behavior that it fundamentally damages relationships.

4: Talking about how helpful their help will be to you

We all know that we need to express our gratitude and gratitude for other people's help. Yet many of us make a critical mistake in doing this: Instead of focusing on our helper, we focus on how we feel - how happy we are, how we benefit from help - ourselves.

Researchers Sara Algoe, Laura Kurtz, and Nicole Hilaire from the University of North Carolina have revealed that there are two types of expressions of gratitude: "praising others", ie the giver's character, abilities; expressions of gratitude that affirm their positive identity and expressions of gratitude that "take care of their own interests", that is, explain how the recipient feels better after receiving help.

During a study on gratitude, couples were observed to feel grateful to each other for something their spouse had recently done for them. The expressions used by the spouses were coded as expressions of praise of others or expressions of gratitude for their own interests. For example:

Expressions of Gratitude to Praise Others:

"You are extremely responsible…"

"You bother ..."

"I think he's really good at this."

Self-Interest Expressions of Appreciation

"Thanks to your help I was able to relax .."

"Your help made me proud of myself."

"That makes me happy."

The helpful spouses then made a score that showed how sensitive they felt to the party who conveyed their feelings of gratitude, how satisfied they were with the situation, and how loving they felt towards their partner. Researchers thus found that expressions of praising gratitude were strongly associated with responsiveness, positive emotions, and perceptions of love, while self-interest expressions of gratitude lacked all of these.

This is worth thinking about, because many of us convey our gratitude to others in the wrong ways. Human beings are self-centered by nature. We tend to talk about ourselves even when we need to think and talk about others. Naturally, we want to talk about how it makes us feel when we get a truly useful support.

And we'll assume that you think your helper will want to hear just that and ask us to tell you how happy it made us. However, this assumption is not entirely correct.

Yes, the people who help you, of course, want your happiness, but the motivation to help is closely related to the identity and self-confidence of your assistant. We help others because we want to be good people - to achieve a standard of living in line with our goals and values ​​and to be loved too. People who will help you feel just like that and want your worth to be known, but if you don't stop talking about yourself it will be extremely difficult to do. Because you put yourself at the center of everything and forgot the other side, you actually have to do the opposite. "

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